to the man sho grew up

A few years ago how different life was it was filled with loneliness and a lot of alcohol.

I was not one that enjoyed drinking due to the fact that my parents were alcoholics and I was afraid of it.

My husband was drinking heavily a litre of brandy in a Friday evening. If there was any left in the morning he would rise around 4am and polish it so by the time I woke up he would be passed out or nearly.

Waking we would head for the shops and he would buy another bottle for a repeat episode of Friday night. Finishing the bottle and maybe buying a smaller bottle for the afternoon.

A few times he had decided to give it up but always lost the battle against alcohol.

Then 3 years ago the he stopped cold no more alcohol and how life has changed.

Rick I am incredibly proud of how you have grown up. You have turned into an awesome Father and a wonderful husband.

Your maturity has grown and you see to your family. Weekends are filled with playing in the sand with your son to watching movies as a family. Church on Sundays and ensuring we are fed and all is paid.

You are one amazing man and I love you so much. Daily I thank God for the wonderful man he gave me.

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memories of a miilion years ago

A time that seems like a million years ago but part of my childhood forgotten buried deep within.

A time where fear ruled my life, fear of leaving my grandparents to live with my mom so far far away. Fear of leaving my brother, father and all that I ever knew. Fear of starting school in a new place having to make friends all over again.

Arriving things were wonderful my room was cosy and pretty and with my things placed around it kinda felt like home. My two step sisters and step brother were nice to me and catered to my every need.

Then the fear set in again, the teacher hated me and often I would be locked in the class for no reason. If I worked slowly I was a dummy who couldn’t keep up if I worked quickly I was an idiot who couldn’t concentrate.

When a teacher dislikes you it seems the class do the same and so as a result no one wanted to be my friend. Or maybe I was so hurt scared and insecure I didn’t let them like me. I was 6 so I can’t quiet remember I just know I was not liked and was lonely.

When my mom and her hub fought it was my fault and I was gonna be locked in chains. I was made to believe I was the reason they fought and no it wasn’t my thoughts I was told out right.

I feared going to school in the morning my moms hub would drop me off and was horrible to me. Then he would give me 5c for lunch and his son would get 50c. I feared going to class for fear of what I would get wrong that day.

I was afraid of going home for fear of the fights I caused and would delay it. Then I would be in trouble for not getting home on time.

Then the night came he beat her up and she fled leaving me alone with what I would almost class as the adams family. The next day he held me hostage and I was made to jumo out the window into the cops hands.

I remember going to my cousins home and how safe things were there. Laughter and love were so good to hear and have. Then the dreaded day he appeared at the gate I froze like a dear caught in the headlights.

My cousins daughter grabbed my hand and dragged me to under her moms dressing table built into the wall and pulled the stool in front of us. “If he comes near you we will scramble into the top of the cupboard and hide.”

I couldn’t climb never mind scramble and so I sat there trembling and shaking. He found as and coaxed me out with gifts and saying he was sorry. He said my mom would only come back if I agreed to. So I reluctantly agreed and back home we went.

Life was sweet for about a week and all hell broke loose. He grabbed her held her down and let his two daughters beat her. She managed to get loose and ran to my room where we locked ourselves in for the night.

I remember trembling in my moms arms the ones that should have comforted me made me tremble with fear. The next day we somehow in a blurr got out.

Then I was being sent back to my grandparents.

The thing I will never forget is my cousin sitting under the dressing table with me telling me its gonna be ok. She was 2yrs older than me yet she was more a comfort than any adult.
I never saw her again and yet I will never forget how good she made me feel.

She is in trouble or had been and I wasn’t there for her seems I have some work to do in making it up. It was as I sat remembering her all these memories and more flooded back and suddenly I was able to release a lot of the stuff and let it go.

Thanks again cous you are amazing even if you don’t know it.

battle beyond

The tantrums have escalated and the time extended with no consolation prize in between. Its his way or no way.

One of the ways in dealing with tantrums is first time he has a tantrum about something like driving the car into the garage he is no longer allowed that privilege.

But then there are other once off issues and so we had one of those tonight. We wanted to make pancakes and he loves doing that on a Friday evening. I was going out and had limited time and wanted o start dinner early. He wanted to watch his new dvd now. We explained if he did we wouldn’t be able to make pancakes. Instant gratification won and he watched the dvd.

After he began whinning about making pancakes. I said no upon him carrying on I put him in his room to cry about it. He threw things shouted screamed calmed came out. Looked at me and began again same shouting, nagging crying. Back to the room he went kicking and screaming but careful not to kick me else his behind would be stinging.

This went on and on for about and hour at least. My hub was like “please let me make pancakes with him” I stuck to my guns making him stick to his deal of watching the dvd.

He has to learn one way or the other there are consequences to his decisions. My heart was breaking seeing my child sobbing so hard but I had to be tough. I promised we could have pancakes for breakfast. That wasn’t acceptable and the performance continued with hun now pleading on his behalf.

I then threatened if he didn’t stop we would never again make pancakes in this house. It is sold and we moving in two months time lol. This jolted him but not enough to stop. I thought he was going to go to sleep performing.

Suddenly he saw me getting dressed ignoring him and he came and hugged me and said “sorry mom, tomorrow is fine to make pancakes ”

We spent a lovely 10 minutes reading a book together laughing and chatting.

One up for mom. Gracious me I was a tough cookie tonight and I never raised my voice once.

blessings

It would seem that blessings go around far greater than one could possibly imagine.

Now please don’t tell me God the Father doesn’t exist because as surely as I breath I know he does. I have been unemployed for almost a year and Hub for just over 6 months. Not once have we gone to bed hungry, cold or in the dark well not due to unpaid electricity bill.

God has provided us with enough daily food to keep us going in that time to even reach out and bless others with it. Daily I am amazed at Gods hand in our lives and feel so blessed to be in Gods favour.

We have managed to provide people with a much needed computer, food, cloths and even a little cash here and there.

Can I out give God apparently not for the more I am willing to bless others the more he pours out on us. Is it because I am special or holy no I doubt that. I really believe the principal is simple God sees what we do with the little we get and so knows he can trust us with more.

My biggest three blessings of late.

1. Our car broke down wouldn’t start and sounded as if it would explode. So we pray and send it in for repairs hoping its nothing major for our bank account was in serious trouble. Well together with the tow and repairs just under a R1 000. Being half of what was sitting in the bank we draw it and pay to get our car back. Relief we could cover it but nervous now the account was seriously looking sad.

I get a facebook message from Frikkie Venter whom I have never met just facebook friends. He had blessed us before and he says to me I was in the shower and God told me to put R1000,00 in your bank account. Not sure what it will cover and what its for but that’s what he told me to do.

Tears and tears flowed so bad I could hardly speak to tell hub as I replied to Frikkie.

2. Son has grown and needs new cloths so I just casually mention it to God that we are needing a few things. Two days later a friend messages me she has cleaned her sons wardrobe would I mind if she passed the things on to my son. An entire winter wardrobe arrived including shoes and a good number of items for his coming summer wardrobe.

3. Bank account I had, thought it was closed and dead due to lack of use and probably I owed it money. Well anyway I go to reactivate it cause I may soon need it and in there is a R1 000. We were down to like R200 till when I have no idea.

We faithfully and consistently tithe on all monies received and maybe this is the return or maybe its because we have open hearts to bless others. Whichever way I am not going to stop blessing others that’s for sure.

To God be the glory Jesus you are faithful when bringing us to the father thank you.

flipped lid

For a while now my son and I have been discussing when moms head flips. Meaning I loose it and go ape because he isn’t listening. Its been a bit of a joke.

Reality hit me like a brick tho yesterday morning where over a pair of scissors I lost all control.

In honesty it was the scissors at all.

“Mom I need scissors to cut”. “No you already lost 2 pairs outside no.” “But mom I want to cut” moan cry perform and loads of promises of looking after them I finally out of desperation allow him and cookaloo to take them.

Everyone is happy, mom is relieved no more nagging and crying son is happy he got his way all is fine.

Come morning and we want to now do our craft guess what no scissors. Moms lid flips all contents fall out flames leaping consuming all brain matter leaving a little pile with a single smoke tendril twirling out.

No it wasn’t about the scissors it was being angry at myself. If I want to avoid flipping my lid I need to find a better way of dealing with the nagging and temper tantrums other than just giving in and allowing him to have his way.

Believe me I try removing privileges,I try a good whack to the rear end. Yes yes bad mom I smack my kid. I try time out which just makes things worse.

But this last lid flip was the worst I have ever had, afterwards I felt disorientated, breathless, relief and worst of all a major headache feeling as if I was looking at the world through a box. I could see everything but if felt as if I couldn’t see below my bottom eyelids and as if I couldn’t see to the left or right I could only see what was in front of me.

I was in tears most the day and couldn’t concentrate on a single thing not even my son. He tried the whole day to make contact and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t connect with him finally round 7h30 he came to me with his precious bunny and asked if I would like to hold her for a bit.

it was the trigger I needed, I scooped him and bunny into my lap and asked if I could maybe hold both of them rather. He settled down quickly and we laughed and spoke before bedtime.

I realised that I had been strong for my family for nearly a year and while I had seen hub plummet in and out of depression I had stayed strong I had been the rock.

Now that finally house has an offer to purchase and we are beginning to see the light I tumbled off the edge and let my lid flip. I shook my husband because in all the years he has never seen me like that before ever.

I don’t do depression and feel sorry for me and disconnect, I am a plugged in tough handle the situation kinda girl. Falling apart doesn’t happen to me ever.

So after getting to hold and cuddle son and bunny the healing magic happened and I am alive back and ready to face the demons of having to move.

Moving is my worst nightmare and having to move towns 5kms away rattles my brain. Thinking about 1800km flips my lid rattles my toes and curls my fingers but I know I can do it cause I have God, my hub, son and of course bunny to get me through it all.

helpless mother

Well two years ago my son was frightened due to the fact badies poisoned his dog. This fact still is in his mind sadly.

Then a couple of weeks ago we heard the sirens racing to Jeppe town evictions. That wasn’t bad enough we had to listen to their shouting and gun shots. This unnerved my son so much that he almost hates the sound of a police siren.

So he is dealing with these issues and on Saturday his world is blown apart a little more

He is woken by the sound of me screaming for the neighbor to put on her alarm for us. My hub had heard voices in the yard and we have a dwelling at the back which a gentleman occupies.

He stuck his head out the window and asks if its Pat. Horror of horrors he hears the sound of a gun being cocked. He is so shocked he doesn’t even get his head back in.

A man steps back and points the gun at him which finally wakes him up to get back inside. Thankfully hub was upstairs and not downstairs.

We called the cops but of course the men had fled the scene. My son while trying to be brave is showing signs of stress and I feel for him.

While we are looking at it in a possitive light that God alerted my husband to the attempted break in its still rattled us as a family.

I haven’t slept in two nights my child has wet the bed and my hub wakes every hour to check around every window.

God was so gracious to us while we were scheduled for a 4 hour power outage for load shedding it didn’t happen as I prayed and asked God just not tonight and knowing our vulnerability he let the municipality give us a break.

We are extremely grateful for Gods hand over our lives but its still a little rattling to us.

We are not rich we have an ancient tv two cells a laptop and my cheap camera nothing of any value and definitely no money as we both unemployed.

God is good though in keeping us safe and for this we are truly blessed.

HOW?

How does a parent begin to process the death of their child.

How long before you realise its over the body you have watched over racked in pain and suffering now lies lifeless and cold. When do you decide to pack up their things and leave the hospital. Are you even able to do so? Do the staff make you do it quickly or allow you to linger and take your time to process everything.

So now you are home, do you take the bag out the car or leave it there till later. When you do retrieve it do you unpack it replacing the things gently and carefully or do you leave them packed? You probably going to have to pack up the room sometime.

Do you close the door to block out the hurt or do you face the emptiness and force yourself to deal with the grief, pain and anger.

When do u pack up the things an let the things go. You can never let your child go no matter how long ago they left this world.

I can only empathise with a parent who has lost a child. Thank you Lord for my boy who is healthy.

Lord surround these parents and brothers with your love. Hold them close in their grief and comfort them. Bind up their brokeness and restore their joy once again.

Its a time of such pain.