battle beyond

The tantrums have escalated and the time extended with no consolation prize in between. Its his way or no way.

One of the ways in dealing with tantrums is first time he has a tantrum about something like driving the car into the garage he is no longer allowed that privilege.

But then there are other once off issues and so we had one of those tonight. We wanted to make pancakes and he loves doing that on a Friday evening. I was going out and had limited time and wanted o start dinner early. He wanted to watch his new dvd now. We explained if he did we wouldn’t be able to make pancakes. Instant gratification won and he watched the dvd.

After he began whinning about making pancakes. I said no upon him carrying on I put him in his room to cry about it. He threw things shouted screamed calmed came out. Looked at me and began again same shouting, nagging crying. Back to the room he went kicking and screaming but careful not to kick me else his behind would be stinging.

This went on and on for about and hour at least. My hub was like “please let me make pancakes with him” I stuck to my guns making him stick to his deal of watching the dvd.

He has to learn one way or the other there are consequences to his decisions. My heart was breaking seeing my child sobbing so hard but I had to be tough. I promised we could have pancakes for breakfast. That wasn’t acceptable and the performance continued with hun now pleading on his behalf.

I then threatened if he didn’t stop we would never again make pancakes in this house. It is sold and we moving in two months time lol. This jolted him but not enough to stop. I thought he was going to go to sleep performing.

Suddenly he saw me getting dressed ignoring him and he came and hugged me and said “sorry mom, tomorrow is fine to make pancakes ”

We spent a lovely 10 minutes reading a book together laughing and chatting.

One up for mom. Gracious me I was a tough cookie tonight and I never raised my voice once.

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flipped lid

For a while now my son and I have been discussing when moms head flips. Meaning I loose it and go ape because he isn’t listening. Its been a bit of a joke.

Reality hit me like a brick tho yesterday morning where over a pair of scissors I lost all control.

In honesty it was the scissors at all.

“Mom I need scissors to cut”. “No you already lost 2 pairs outside no.” “But mom I want to cut” moan cry perform and loads of promises of looking after them I finally out of desperation allow him and cookaloo to take them.

Everyone is happy, mom is relieved no more nagging and crying son is happy he got his way all is fine.

Come morning and we want to now do our craft guess what no scissors. Moms lid flips all contents fall out flames leaping consuming all brain matter leaving a little pile with a single smoke tendril twirling out.

No it wasn’t about the scissors it was being angry at myself. If I want to avoid flipping my lid I need to find a better way of dealing with the nagging and temper tantrums other than just giving in and allowing him to have his way.

Believe me I try removing privileges,I try a good whack to the rear end. Yes yes bad mom I smack my kid. I try time out which just makes things worse.

But this last lid flip was the worst I have ever had, afterwards I felt disorientated, breathless, relief and worst of all a major headache feeling as if I was looking at the world through a box. I could see everything but if felt as if I couldn’t see below my bottom eyelids and as if I couldn’t see to the left or right I could only see what was in front of me.

I was in tears most the day and couldn’t concentrate on a single thing not even my son. He tried the whole day to make contact and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t connect with him finally round 7h30 he came to me with his precious bunny and asked if I would like to hold her for a bit.

it was the trigger I needed, I scooped him and bunny into my lap and asked if I could maybe hold both of them rather. He settled down quickly and we laughed and spoke before bedtime.

I realised that I had been strong for my family for nearly a year and while I had seen hub plummet in and out of depression I had stayed strong I had been the rock.

Now that finally house has an offer to purchase and we are beginning to see the light I tumbled off the edge and let my lid flip. I shook my husband because in all the years he has never seen me like that before ever.

I don’t do depression and feel sorry for me and disconnect, I am a plugged in tough handle the situation kinda girl. Falling apart doesn’t happen to me ever.

So after getting to hold and cuddle son and bunny the healing magic happened and I am alive back and ready to face the demons of having to move.

Moving is my worst nightmare and having to move towns 5kms away rattles my brain. Thinking about 1800km flips my lid rattles my toes and curls my fingers but I know I can do it cause I have God, my hub, son and of course bunny to get me through it all.

helpless mother

Well two years ago my son was frightened due to the fact badies poisoned his dog. This fact still is in his mind sadly.

Then a couple of weeks ago we heard the sirens racing to Jeppe town evictions. That wasn’t bad enough we had to listen to their shouting and gun shots. This unnerved my son so much that he almost hates the sound of a police siren.

So he is dealing with these issues and on Saturday his world is blown apart a little more

He is woken by the sound of me screaming for the neighbor to put on her alarm for us. My hub had heard voices in the yard and we have a dwelling at the back which a gentleman occupies.

He stuck his head out the window and asks if its Pat. Horror of horrors he hears the sound of a gun being cocked. He is so shocked he doesn’t even get his head back in.

A man steps back and points the gun at him which finally wakes him up to get back inside. Thankfully hub was upstairs and not downstairs.

We called the cops but of course the men had fled the scene. My son while trying to be brave is showing signs of stress and I feel for him.

While we are looking at it in a possitive light that God alerted my husband to the attempted break in its still rattled us as a family.

I haven’t slept in two nights my child has wet the bed and my hub wakes every hour to check around every window.

God was so gracious to us while we were scheduled for a 4 hour power outage for load shedding it didn’t happen as I prayed and asked God just not tonight and knowing our vulnerability he let the municipality give us a break.

We are extremely grateful for Gods hand over our lives but its still a little rattling to us.

We are not rich we have an ancient tv two cells a laptop and my cheap camera nothing of any value and definitely no money as we both unemployed.

God is good though in keeping us safe and for this we are truly blessed.

HOW?

How does a parent begin to process the death of their child.

How long before you realise its over the body you have watched over racked in pain and suffering now lies lifeless and cold. When do you decide to pack up their things and leave the hospital. Are you even able to do so? Do the staff make you do it quickly or allow you to linger and take your time to process everything.

So now you are home, do you take the bag out the car or leave it there till later. When you do retrieve it do you unpack it replacing the things gently and carefully or do you leave them packed? You probably going to have to pack up the room sometime.

Do you close the door to block out the hurt or do you face the emptiness and force yourself to deal with the grief, pain and anger.

When do u pack up the things an let the things go. You can never let your child go no matter how long ago they left this world.

I can only empathise with a parent who has lost a child. Thank you Lord for my boy who is healthy.

Lord surround these parents and brothers with your love. Hold them close in their grief and comfort them. Bind up their brokeness and restore their joy once again.

Its a time of such pain.

RIP brave little angel

Today is such a heart sore day for a wonderful family. their little girl in February 2014 was diagnosed with brain cancer, after 9 weeks of radiation and months of Chemo she was finally declared to be in remission. The only problem remaining was that the shunt put in her brain wasn’t doing its work and had to be replaced. This was done and the family were eagerly awaiting the all clear from the surgeon to say that the disease had lost and the little girl had survived.
Today we had to say goodbye to this wonderful child who was a blessing to everyone who met her and an encouragement to all suffering. I feel the pain of the family because it was definitely a matter of neglect on part of the hospital and was totally unnecessary.
I was blessed to meet this little girl when she was still so sick and I was inspired by her wonderful spirit to live and survive always with a smile on her face. I remember that her blood count was down and she was so tiered and weak and wanted to just lie down but amazingly she managed to smile and even laugh a little. Poplap and I fell in love with her and worried and prayed for her constantly.
Then came the news that she would have to have the brain shunt replaced in order for the fluid to drain from her brain. This was done but sadly it had not worked and so the shunt had to be replaced, so the Friday before Christmas she was admitted to hospital to await the replacement shunt. She was left to lie there without food or drink from Friday afternoon 16h00 to Sunday afternoon 12h00 when finally a theatre became available for her to be operated on.
She was taken to theatre and was released the next morning without observation, the family was only to happy to get home and thought how wonderful Christmas would be having their precious angel home even though they felt very sombre. Little one while vomiting and had a fever but the doctors had given her meds for this and the parents prayed the meds would kick in. Well she made Christmas morning and into boxing day when she woke up with seizures.
Again she was taken to casualty and lay there from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon. Despite her mom begging the staff to check her child’s breathing they refused saying they don’t know what is wrong and walking away from her. Finally one of the cancer doctors came in and attended to her and ordered tests. Horror of horrors the two old shunts were still in her brain and the 3rd one wasn’t even in her brain so was basically useless. The swelling on the brain was severe and causing breathing problems.
As the doctor was walking out promising to get her some medical attention she stopped breathing, he rushed back in and they put in a temporary external shunt which was dangerous as infection could set in. They then got her to theatre on the Monday morning and put in a proper shunt which seemed to have been done properly. From not having any doctors available to having the chief neuro surgeon on board with chief anethatiest together with two assistants each due to the fact that she had reported the mishandling to the news room of the local radio station. They discovered that an ulcer had formed due to the previous op and was bleeding and so they began treating her for this. On the Tuesday again little one was battling to breath and mom kept asking doctors for help, finally on Wednesday morning they took her for x-rays and discovered that they had injured her lungs either from the op or having put in a ventilator to get her to breath.
The treatment for this had been to steam her lungs every hour and she went from getting better to getting worse until finally on the Saturday she almost stopped breathing and the doctors after doing tests told the mom that her brain had been so badly damaged the child was unable to cough or swallow. The lungs were also so badly damaged they would have to put her back on the ventilator. This being bad enough the mother was advised that the child would have to share a ventilator as they didn’t have another machine available.
While putting in the drain for the lungs and the ventilator pipe this little angel finally gave in and closed her eyes for the last time never to open them again. Little one we will miss you dearly, you fought your hardest and now we salute you as fly free from your body which was racked with pain. We will meet again little one and this time it will be carefree and full of laughter.
Rick and Mel will always remember you and try and support your mom as much as we possibly can, even though we know she is the only one that can get herself through this terrible loss together with the help of our heavenly Father.

Christmas follow up

It is with great sadness I write this post together with a heart of gratitude.

My son is healthy and we were blessed abundantly but while we were celebrating a friends child is laying in hospital fighting for her dear life.

She was diagnosed with brain cancer in April of this year and after all chemo and radiation it was suposed to be a happy day of celebration when the “last” tests were done. It was meant to be a day mom daughter dad and brothers could rejoyce and start all over as a healthy family.

All tests came back with good results besides the brain scan which showed fluid on the brain. The family were told only the neurologist could advise on the way forward but he was away and would be back the following Wednesday. For family and friends a like the week dragged by agonising second by agonising second never seeming to be a full hour.

The call was made only to be told phone back in two days time. Another call with advice to phone the next week Wednesday. Didn’t they know when the specialist was to return. Third call made and again told to wait to Friday. Friday had arrived and the call was being transferred doc was in.

Horror of horrors princess had to rush back for yet another operation. She had fluid on her brain as the shunt wasn’t working.

She arrived at hospital for the emergency op at 16h00 the Friday and was told she would have to wait for a theatre. Promise after promise failed. Child had been without food and water for 26hrs already. Mother was beside herself wanting to take her daughter home. Finally 12h30 Sunday afternoon she was fetched and preped for surgery. Monday she was released yay home for Christmas.

What a shock on christmas evening when princess began having convulsions. Parents sped her back to hospital. 10hrs she lay with not one doc looking at her. She had been given a drip and oxygen nothing else.

A scan and xray discovered two old shunts still in her head and the new shunt had been pushed out of the brain. So 3 shunts but non were working.

Mom dad aunt and uncle sit by helplessly watching their princess suffer convulsion after convulsion but no doctor arrives.

Prayer requests are flying around everywhere as people back up this family. I am amazed at how strangers come together to rally in prayer for this family.

Helpless we all stand and watch unable to do anything but pray for the family and little girl.

If you read this please say a prayer for a bright bubbly young girl. Thank you.

Christmas

My Christmas wish was fulfilled to the last letter and dot. My son got Christmas despite both hub and I being unemployed.

Frikkie Venter gave him a Christmas to remember and helped our family financially more than he will ever know.

The list was
A dragon (not a remote control one just a dragon)
Some cars
Some guns
Water glasses (goggle) the biggest wish on the list
A tent
A train

He has a broken computer he plays on and christmas eve he goes to it fiddles and comes back and says. “Santa sent me a message, he will bring me some extra toys.

Well all 6 items were under the tree with a load extra. He woke to find a plastic cup with a built in straw in bed with him. This was the start of the excitement. “Mommy look what Santa gave me and I didn’t ask for it” the excitement high in his voice already.

First present was some cars “Mommy I got cars he brought me cars” “dad I dint ask santa for a fireman suite look he brought me one”

When he found a gift he had asked for excitement shone from him and when he got an unexpected he was in awe.

We got to the family and he was totally floored that there were more gifts. He appreciated what he had got and it was more than he expected.

He has crammed time in for every single gift from the tiniest to the biggest and enjoyed it all.

I can only say that God was amazing in crossing my path with people who he used to bless the Sabatini family with. Thank you Father God and Jesus in all of this we never forgot that you were the reason this was all possible.

Thank you Jesus that you left your glory and came to earth as a man to redeem us and set us free. So often we concentrate so much on your death we forget what a sacrifice you made in even your birth.

You were born in lowly circumstances when you were used to heaven you came to a poor family born in a stable. You owned no home to call your own and lived in faith that the Father would provide your needs. You lived a lowly life despised and hated yet you chose to love and forgive man by dying on the cross

Jesus I stand in awe and amazement of you thank you my Lord and Saviour mostly holy God. I may now say Abba Father Daddy God because you made away for me to enter the holy of holies.
Amen