A time that seems like a million years ago but part of my childhood forgotten buried deep within.
A time where fear ruled my life, fear of leaving my grandparents to live with my mom so far far away. Fear of leaving my brother, father and all that I ever knew. Fear of starting school in a new place having to make friends all over again.
Arriving things were wonderful my room was cosy and pretty and with my things placed around it kinda felt like home. My two step sisters and step brother were nice to me and catered to my every need.
Then the fear set in again, the teacher hated me and often I would be locked in the class for no reason. If I worked slowly I was a dummy who couldn’t keep up if I worked quickly I was an idiot who couldn’t concentrate.
When a teacher dislikes you it seems the class do the same and so as a result no one wanted to be my friend. Or maybe I was so hurt scared and insecure I didn’t let them like me. I was 6 so I can’t quiet remember I just know I was not liked and was lonely.
When my mom and her hub fought it was my fault and I was gonna be locked in chains. I was made to believe I was the reason they fought and no it wasn’t my thoughts I was told out right.
I feared going to school in the morning my moms hub would drop me off and was horrible to me. Then he would give me 5c for lunch and his son would get 50c. I feared going to class for fear of what I would get wrong that day.
I was afraid of going home for fear of the fights I caused and would delay it. Then I would be in trouble for not getting home on time.
Then the night came he beat her up and she fled leaving me alone with what I would almost class as the adams family. The next day he held me hostage and I was made to jumo out the window into the cops hands.
I remember going to my cousins home and how safe things were there. Laughter and love were so good to hear and have. Then the dreaded day he appeared at the gate I froze like a dear caught in the headlights.
My cousins daughter grabbed my hand and dragged me to under her moms dressing table built into the wall and pulled the stool in front of us. “If he comes near you we will scramble into the top of the cupboard and hide.”
I couldn’t climb never mind scramble and so I sat there trembling and shaking. He found as and coaxed me out with gifts and saying he was sorry. He said my mom would only come back if I agreed to. So I reluctantly agreed and back home we went.
Life was sweet for about a week and all hell broke loose. He grabbed her held her down and let his two daughters beat her. She managed to get loose and ran to my room where we locked ourselves in for the night.
I remember trembling in my moms arms the ones that should have comforted me made me tremble with fear. The next day we somehow in a blurr got out.
Then I was being sent back to my grandparents.
The thing I will never forget is my cousin sitting under the dressing table with me telling me its gonna be ok. She was 2yrs older than me yet she was more a comfort than any adult.
I never saw her again and yet I will never forget how good she made me feel.
She is in trouble or had been and I wasn’t there for her seems I have some work to do in making it up. It was as I sat remembering her all these memories and more flooded back and suddenly I was able to release a lot of the stuff and let it go.
Thanks again cous you are amazing even if you don’t know it.