For a while now my son and I have been discussing when moms head flips. Meaning I loose it and go ape because he isn’t listening. Its been a bit of a joke.
Reality hit me like a brick tho yesterday morning where over a pair of scissors I lost all control.
In honesty it was the scissors at all.
“Mom I need scissors to cut”. “No you already lost 2 pairs outside no.” “But mom I want to cut” moan cry perform and loads of promises of looking after them I finally out of desperation allow him and cookaloo to take them.
Everyone is happy, mom is relieved no more nagging and crying son is happy he got his way all is fine.
Come morning and we want to now do our craft guess what no scissors. Moms lid flips all contents fall out flames leaping consuming all brain matter leaving a little pile with a single smoke tendril twirling out.
No it wasn’t about the scissors it was being angry at myself. If I want to avoid flipping my lid I need to find a better way of dealing with the nagging and temper tantrums other than just giving in and allowing him to have his way.
Believe me I try removing privileges,I try a good whack to the rear end. Yes yes bad mom I smack my kid. I try time out which just makes things worse.
But this last lid flip was the worst I have ever had, afterwards I felt disorientated, breathless, relief and worst of all a major headache feeling as if I was looking at the world through a box. I could see everything but if felt as if I couldn’t see below my bottom eyelids and as if I couldn’t see to the left or right I could only see what was in front of me.
I was in tears most the day and couldn’t concentrate on a single thing not even my son. He tried the whole day to make contact and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t connect with him finally round 7h30 he came to me with his precious bunny and asked if I would like to hold her for a bit.
it was the trigger I needed, I scooped him and bunny into my lap and asked if I could maybe hold both of them rather. He settled down quickly and we laughed and spoke before bedtime.
I realised that I had been strong for my family for nearly a year and while I had seen hub plummet in and out of depression I had stayed strong I had been the rock.
Now that finally house has an offer to purchase and we are beginning to see the light I tumbled off the edge and let my lid flip. I shook my husband because in all the years he has never seen me like that before ever.
I don’t do depression and feel sorry for me and disconnect, I am a plugged in tough handle the situation kinda girl. Falling apart doesn’t happen to me ever.
So after getting to hold and cuddle son and bunny the healing magic happened and I am alive back and ready to face the demons of having to move.
Moving is my worst nightmare and having to move towns 5kms away rattles my brain. Thinking about 1800km flips my lid rattles my toes and curls my fingers but I know I can do it cause I have God, my hub, son and of course bunny to get me through it all.