being parentef

This blog comes from a different perspective today its not me and monkey is me and my mom.

My mom walked out on us kids when I was a year old. Back an forth between parents and grandparents we were tossed like tennis balls never touching the ground.

Till finally my dad took charge and took us away from one mess and landed us in another set of messes but he meant well and tried to create stability. I have written about both parents before.

Ok while I portrayed my mom as an ogre I have to humbly concede that while she has been one I haven’t exactly been a saint. In fact I probably have been an exceedingly bad daughter.

I treat her badly and try and hurt her as much as possible to make her pay for the hurt she has caused and continues to cause me. If truth be told she has been made to repay the hurt 50 times over if not more.

Yes she keeps inflicting wounds and opening stuff I thought had healed. So down on my knees praying to God why can’t I forgive her and move on. God listens to my whining for awhile and says my child why is it always about you and your needs.

“Huh” that cut out a huge chunk of hurt zipped up a mountain of scars and put huge cracks in the walls I had built.

But being human I began to argue, but God she is the mother she should have nurtured me not hurt me. How many times do I have to suffer the same hurt over and over. God in his wisdom settled it there and then. “My child how many times do you hurt and anger me yet I forgive you time and time again. Do you think that’s fair.

Humbled and subdued I fall before my father and finally allow him to begin to show me how to heal. Its taken me 47 years to realise how to let it go. Tears, ranting and raving, prayer and more prayer and when I finally listened to the Father it was resolved.

I don’t say, its all over with roses and fireworks and a beautiful love theme in the background with roses and hearts flying through the air but I am softening up.

I am taking it one step at a time, and for the first time in my life I don’t see everything my mother does as a ploy to hurt me but rather as someone who is trying their best to love a hostile child.

What a lot of wasted years but only when we are ready to let go will we be able to move forward.

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